Hypochondria

Nothing is more fun than being holed up for three days with a high fever only to have your spouse start with the same thing midway through your own suffering. Yes, things have been pretty sickly in this household for the past few days and they aren’t much better yet, although my fever has finally broken.

By far the best thing you can do when you find yourself in this situation is to watch a show on the Discovery Channel about virii, bacterium, and parasites. During the hour-long program I managed to successfully diagnose myself with most of the diseases they discussed, no matter how rare or unlikely.

“Yes, I probably do have the plague! I’m sure of it, an infected rat could have crawled into our pipe system and died and the fleas came out and infected me. Look right there, that’s a black spot on my leg! Oh wait, no, that’s a bruise.”

“I don’t have strep throat but I’m certain I’ve got flesh eating bacteria! Look at that rash on my leg! Oh, wait, no, I was just scratching there, that’s why it is red.”

“Ebola, oh, I definitely have that. I realize I don’t have any symptoms aside from the fever but I have it.”

After that I was so sure I was dying from about twelve different diseases I exhausted myself and fell asleep. When I awoke, the fever had broken and I had no symptoms aside from a terrible cough and dizziness. Hmm, it could be tuberculosis…