Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The psycho princess and the satanic pea

I am one of those people who is violently anti-vegetable. I blame my mother for this, because if it hadn’t been for her dire need to make sure my brothers and I only ate wholesome, nutritious foods and never were able to eat anything fun I surely would be eating my vegetables now. I’m not prejudiced against all vegetables, most fresh, uncooked vegetables I can endure, if not enjoy (hey, I’ll always eat a salad as long as I don’t have to chop all that crap for myself), and I’ve been known for my deep personal relationship with okra and tomatoes, ah, what a torrid affair. Many cooked vegetables I can eat politely and even manage to nod my head and smile, but there are three members of the vegetable world that I despise so enduringly that no amount of manners can keep me at a table within fifty yards of their presence (at least, that is what the restraining order says).

My three vegetable arch nemeses are brussel sprouts (hey, does anyone really like these nasty ass tiny pretending to be cute little cabbages things?), lima beans (oh for the love of god, this stuff is so soft and mashy and so not as good as a potato), and peas. Oh yes, I know, peas, those cute little round green things that come in a pod and are soft and sweet and all babies love them. I’ll have you know that those cute little round things are certainly devil’s seed, and I’ll not have them near me. They are small, they have a weird consistency and they roll all around your plate and fall off your fork and get mashed down on the floor because even the cats won’t eat the damned things. I hate, hate, HATE peas.

So imagine my utter horror when, enjoying a McVeggie burger from McDonald’s, after a couple of bites I look down and see a whole McPea staring me in the face. I’m not an idiot, I mean, I know veggie burgers are simply mashed up vegetables in a tasty fried hamburger shaped patty, but I pretend I don’t understand this. I get along quite well with veggie burgers as long as no whole vegetables pop out of them. And yet here I was, face to face with the third horseman of the vegetable apocalypse, the Pea.

My first instinct was to fling the sandwich across the room, scream bloody murder, and run haphazardly out of the apartment, down the stairs, and into the streets of Thessaloniki, as far away from the Beelzebub pea as I could manage. But as I looked over at my husband happily enjoying his Big Mac and absorbed in the episode of Frasier we were watching, I thought such behavior might startle him unnecessarily, not to mention be the impetus for jokes such as “I never knew you were one pea short of a pod” and “don’t be pea-ved”. So I did what any mature adult who has a mild dislike of peas might do, and quietly removed the evil pea, with my bare hands, and threw it away.

I washed my hands repeatedly, desperately trying to remove the feeling of what it was like to touch a pea. So small, so delicate, and so, so evil. I should have crushed it between my fingers when I had the chance, but surely the stain of pea blood on my hands would never wash away, and I’d be forced to quote Shakespeare for the rest of my life.

After having survived the incident, I am only a little bit worse for wear. I’m not sure I have the strength to face another McVeggie burger again, but we’ll see. With hope and understanding, maybe the pea and I can learn to get along. But not today.


traveller one said...

You're sooooooooo funny! BTW I ADORE brussel sprouts! But I don't like spinach.

Anonymous said...

zardoz says:

... PEA OY,I,....

=== Z ===

Alice in Austria said...

McPea indeed! Loool ... :)

The Missus Complains said...

No, no, no! You and another friend of mine who won't eat any type of seafood have me baffled. I eat all fruits and veggies since my mom and dad really valued them. I am so fearful that my kids will be picky eaters, it's keeping me up at night. I wonder if I could hynotize them into liking fruits and veggies?

Tracie B. said...

hhmmm, i would be less worried about eating a pea and more worried about eating something from mc d's...(french fries excluded of course!)


Flubberwinkle said...

The fact that a pea dopped out of a McVeggie onto the plate is at least reassuring that McDonald's is using real vegetables. Or maybe it was just a camouflaged pea?
I'm with you on the brussel sprouts, however! Those things smell and pretend to be cuddly lil cabbages. I dislike them. A. Lot.
*blushing* ...but, I like peas and lima beans. My digestive system doesn't.

Diane said...

Boiled brussels sprouts are not fit for human comsumption, but I have a wonderful recipe for them that even my kids love.

Quarter a pound of sprouts, saute for about 5 minutes in 2 tablespoons of butter, then turn down the heat, add 2 tablespoons of water, cover, and steam for 5-8 minutes. Add salt and pepper. Delicious. Honest.

The SeaWitch said...

I just thought I'd let you know that I decided to make αρακάς (peas) for dinner tonight and they were very tasty with potatoes, carrots and tomatoes. LOL

melusina said...

There is no recipe that can make brussel sprouts edible. I've tried them all, thanks to my cruel mother.

I think the trick with kids is to keep testing and find fruits and veggies they like. With any luck you'll find a few and if you keep feeding them those, they won't be traumatized into not eating them when they are adults.

I'm not sure it is possible to camouflage a pea. It was soo pealike, I guess it didn't matter.

Yes, eating at McDonald's is risky. But their fries, mmmmm.

SeaWitch, you don't count, you are allowed to enjoy all vegetables since you are a vegetarian. You have no other choice. But you don't have to taunt me with your dinner choices.

Lauren Thompson said...

I have to say, I love your blog...I was laughing so hard about the third horseman of the vegetable apocalypse I was crying. ;) I thoroughly enjoy your writing!