Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The Z’s have it

The age-old marriage problem: snoring. Generally speaking, the problem can occur from either gender, and generally I would say both partners probably snore. The thing is, the problem only lies with the partner that goes to sleep last, which in my case happens to be me.

Some nights are worse than others. The average night is filled with light to moderate snoring that I have learned, somehow, to block out. But some nights I want to scream “Oh for the love of all that is good and holy would you PLEASE SHUT UP!”, which is terribly unusual, as I generally don’t harbor such vitriol for my beloved. The sound of his snoring is a cross between an asthmatic bull, a balloon slowly losing its air, and a goat bleating underwater. There have been times when I have been awakened, terrified by this horrible sound and come to the realization that surely this is what Satan must sound like.

My husband, god love him, says all I have to do is tap him on the shoulder and ask him to turn on his side. Let’s give a run down of how that works. At first, feeling a little guilty about disturbing him, I give him a light tap and timidly say “Baby?”

Husband: Mmmmhmmm?
Me: Can you turn over on your side?
Husband: Mmmmmhmmmm

Yet, amazingly, I detect no movement whatsoever in his human form. I give it a few minutes to see if there is some sort of delayed reaction, and try again, poking him a little bit harder this time.

Me: Sweetie?
Husband: Mmmmmhmmmya?
Me: Can you please turn over on your side, you are snoring really loud.
Husband: Yayaya

Nada. Nothing. No moving, more snoring. And even louder. At this point my patience has been all but depleted. I give myself a traditional one minute cooling down time and go in for the last attempt, determined for victory. This time I pinch/poke him awake.

Husband: What?! (in a rather worried, mystified tone)
Me: Turn.over.on.your.side.or.I.will.push.you.off.the.bed.

At which he turns over on his side and falls immediately back to sleep.

Wife: 3,526
Husband: 0


Anonymous said...

Poor Thano, being disturbed in the middle of the night not once but three times.

adfjkaj said...

I also snore, and went to this sleep center in California where they hook up all kinds of electrodes and see if you got Apnea or what have you. Thank God I don't, Doctor just says "you snore". Lose weight, he says. Ok, and 200 dollars later, I still snore.

Hey, I think I should start keeping track of all the times my wife kicks me on my blog, which I finally updated again today!

The SeaWitch said...

LOL Mel. Thano...cover your eyes here.

This is what you have to do Mel. It has worked for me when my husband's snoring gets to be sleep prohibitive...pinch Thanos' nose. My husband stops snoring just long enough so I can get back to sleep and then once I'm asleep, I'm dead to the world. If this doesn't work for you, then earplugs but those are uncomfortable and they just dull the sound.

Good luck. :-)

sappho said...

Oh Mel, thanks for the laugh, I truly needed it! I can relate, but I'll be in deep crap if it gets out!

Gia-Gina said...

Ha ha I have the same problem and use the guest room when it gets really bad. BTW, I am still seeing your blog loading with the side bar and the way bottom of the page, is anyone else seeing this??

Anonymous said...

This isn't a great advertizement for marriage...

We have:

1. Mel who pinches / pokes her husband in the middle of the night to wake him up.

2. Scruffy who looses count of the number of times his wife kickes him in the night.

3. SeaWitch who pinches her husbands nose, stopping the air supply while he sleeps.

There's only Gia-Gina who doesn't abuse her husband.

You guys should be ASHAMED!!!!!


I'm in two minds about this whole marriage thing now. I don't want to be pinched / poked / kicked / have the air supply cut off as I sleep....

I am SHOCKED!!!!!!


adfjkaj said...

Ellas Devil,

I won't tell you to stay single, but I'll tell you a famous American saying. "Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free". This saying, along with me telling people I won my wife in a poker game are two things that have given me lasting scars on my shins. But, thank God, my wife doesn't read blogs, or I could have a third mark.

BallAndDust said...


But I've heard women say "why buy the whole pig when all you want is some sausage?"

See? It goes both ways.